Bibliophobia by Sarah Chihaya

 genre: memoir

In this memoir of reading and writing, Sarah Chihaya examines her own experience of depression and how books have both been the cure and the trigger for the pain in her mind.  The way she interacts with us as readers, her introspective way of viewing her own choices or non-choices, and especially the way she tries to understand the meta cognition that led to where she ended up - all of this creates a bubble around us in which we are trying along with her to make sense of it all.  

Sometimes the writing felt like I was swimming through a word soup, with only vague swerves avoiding actual repetition.   But then a sentence would absolutely floor me with its beauty and with the poignancy of the writing.  Sometimes her words spoke to the insecure little kid inside me and made her feel seen.  This quote in particular:  

     “Though I was genuinely dedicated to certain things – cross country and track, choral music, calorie counting, real or metaphorical beret-wearing – over the course of high school I became sickeningly aware that I would never be exceptional. I would not be the fastest or the thinnest or the coolest. I was either the worst at being the best or the best at being OK – a solidly middling member of the varsity squad playing the vicious sport of adolescent life.”

I also appreciated the way that throughout this book she used the novels that had a profound impact on her at different points in her life to help make sense of her life at that time.  It made me, in my mind, think about the books that exist for me in specific places and times and I loved that exercise.

It is a sad and hard book. The author talks very bluntly about a desire to unalive herself and yet you do finish feeling like all is not lost.  Read with caution but this could really speak to fellow readers who have dealt with similar pain.